WOW....How is it possible that things can change SO drastically in such a short amount of time. I was searching through some drafts in my blog that I didn't post, for some reason or another. Maybe this particular post I found too painful, too revealing. I don't like to seem so vulnerable.
It just goes to show, that usually when you need it the most, when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders something good can happen. For me, it was Scott - just 6 months after writing this post (I wrote this post a little over two and a half years ago).
I can post this now, because I am married and found the person to make all these fears, fade away.....I guess I'm lovable afterall. Psshh, I knew that!
"Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts -- your arrogance, your spite, your condescension -- has sprung open. Someone provokes you, and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them. Hello, it's Mr. Nasty. " (Tom Hanks, You've Got Mail)
Ever since the breakup, I've felt myself becoming someone who I really don't like at all. Cynical, aloof, scared -- oh, so scared. And I frequently sense a sort of farcical, whimsical mask come down across my face, a bitter front of joviality, a face where tears are always lurking closely behind the laughter. Things are not always what they seem, and I know better than anyone that I never smile with my eyes anymore. My mouth smiles, but my heart doesn't.
Tonight, I'm nostalgic. I'm nostalgic for the man I lost, the man I loved so much, the man that a part of me still loves and will always love. He was, beyond the faintest shadow of a doubt, the greatest man I ever knew, and it will take quite a man to ever surpass him in my estimation. Sometimes I doubt such a man even exists.
I think the biggest ache within me is the fear; the fear that no one else will ever love me again, that somehow, I'm intrinsically unlovable, ugly, disgusting, unappealing. That love will never come into my life again. I don't know if it's true; the important thing is that it feels true, and it affects me every morning when I wake up and every evening when I go to bed. Love, it seems, has passed me by; will it and I ever cross paths again?
For the love of all that's holy, I find myself intrinsically repellent right now -- what guy in his right mind would ever think otherwise? And yet my heart is about to burst with the emptiness, the loneliness, the overwhelming sense of loss, the agonizing "G"-shaped hole inside of me. I want, so badly, to be loved. It's a vulnerable position to be in.
I'm aching for a real, genuine hug, so badly -- a hug with no strings attached, with no latent question that I can't answer, with no romantic entanglement.
This pain inside just goes on, and on, in a mind-numbingly piercing cycle. Will it ever stop?
And if it ever does, will anybody ever fall in love with me again? Is there even anything about me that's worth loving? Because apparently "G" didn't think there was, anymore.
I'm so unhappy... when will I ever be able to smile again? And mean it?
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1 comment:
TA DA!!!! I'm like a superhero, swooping in to save the damsel in distress, just in the nick of time.
On a more serious note...I'm SO happy that you feel that that weight has been lifted. No one should have to walk around bearing that, especially you. You are too much of an amazing person for that. I'm just lucky that it was me that was able to fill that roll for you. Because I can't imagine my life without being your husband and you being my wife....or, a better term, soulmate.
Never forget that you do deserve to be loved and to be happy....AND, I've seen you really smile...you know, the ones with the eyes....more times then I can count.
I Love you Wife....and don't you forget that!!
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